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Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf
! You hit down to make the ball go up.
 You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

 

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ........ your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

 

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf
's a hard game to figure.One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.The next day you go out and for no reason at all your game really stinks!

 

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf
is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf
is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

 

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, 'Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Ken.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Ken said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Ken's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

THE GOLFER GUESSED THAT HIS BALL LANDED 20 FEET OFF THE FAIRWAY, BUT THAT WAS JUST A ROUGH ESTIMATE.

YOUR GOLF ADDICTION IS DRIVING A WEDGE BETWEEN US.

A GOLFER BOUGHT TWO PAIRS OF PANTS, JUST IN CASE HE GOT A HOLE IN ONE.

TWO FUR TRADERS ONCE TOOK A GOLFING TRIP TOGETHER. THEY PLAYED A SKINS MATCH.

ANY GOLFER WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH. THEIR NEXT SHOT ALWAYS DEPENDS ON THE LIE.

EVEN THOUGH HIS DRIVER AND WOODS HAD BEEN STOLEN, THE GOLFER CONTINUED TO PLAY 72 STRAIGHT HOLES FOR CHARITY. HE WAS TRULY AN IRONMAN.

GOLFERS HATE CAKE BECAUSE THEY MIGHT GET A SLICE.

HE PROMISED TO PLAY BETTER GOLF, BUT WOULD NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH.

WHEN PUTTING, I CAN NEVER CATCH A BREAK.

These greens are  so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. 
~ Sam Snead

I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool..
 
~ George Brett
 

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner

 

THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS:

There is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, this may occur sometime after November 4.

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now.  Here are a couple of basic changes.


 Golfers with handicaps:

- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%

- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees

- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played


 The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:

- for handicaps below 10 an additional $10

- between 11 and 18 no additional amount

- above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.


 The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

- handicaps below 10, no entitlements

- handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts

- handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.

This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.  Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.

 


A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION: 'IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR P-U-T-T? 'SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR. 'P-U-T-T IS CORRECT,' HE REPLIED. 'PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING.'


ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum


THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky


GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.


I'VE HAD A GOOD DAY WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART.
- Buddy Hackett


RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T YOU? -
-  Ben Hogan


MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.


I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
    1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
    2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
    3. BE BORN WITH MONEY


A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, 'You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'

Michelson replied, 'The holes are numbered'


   A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 
   the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'

   The young man says, 'An 8 iron, father, how about you?'

   The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

   The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.  The 
   priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards

   The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my 
   church when we pray, we keep our head down.'



   Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a 
   bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man.


   The detective! asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

  'Yes' says the woman.

   'Did you hit him with that golf club?'

   'Yes,, I did.' The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and 
    puts her, hands on her face.

   'How many times did you hit him?'

   'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down 
   for a five.'



A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.  

  

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

 

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit tree,  

bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and 
asked,   'Are you a good golfer?'

To which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'


 

   The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the 
   groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. 

  

   She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?

   He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?'


 I've recently learned about a new book that gives valuable playing tips and insider information.  It is not like any other golf books, as it gives tips that will immediately change your game.  I know many of us would especially benefit from the 11th chapter

  Table of Contents: 

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt 

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee 

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker 

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank 

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger 

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings 

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management 

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. 

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round 

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

 Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game? 

Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.


The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources advises golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for Bears while playing on Pioneer Creek, Lakeview, Baker and Orono Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the Bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a Bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to "recognize the difference" between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them, and smell like pepper spray.


Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.  He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Arthur. "I don't remember."


I visited my primary care physician for a checkup. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?" He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself." "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things. He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"


Monte stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, Matt exclaimed, "What in the world is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,"  Monte explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." To which Matt replied, "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."


 

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.


 Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys  the drinks


 Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.


 If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in  trouble.


Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.


The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."


 A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.


An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.


 Golf's a hard game to figure.  One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and  miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.


 If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.


 Golf is the only sport where  the most feared opponent is you.


 Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.


 The best  wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.


 Golf Truths:  

  • A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
  • A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are… that's why I get so many calls to play.
  • A law of Physics… it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.
  • A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • Don’t buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer
  • Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
  • Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
  • Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, or even the snow, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble, in fact, you have no life.
  • If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf ... it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt" you need to reconsider this game.
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or more).
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
  • In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
  • It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart while performing brain surgery.
  • It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace divots, repair ball marks, and rake sand traps.
  • It’s not a gimme if you're still away.
  • It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
  • Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
  • That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
  • The best wood in most golfers' bags is the pencil.
  • The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  • The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share ideas about the golf swing.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
  • There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces that go just the way you meant to play it.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.
  • To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
  • Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
  • When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than land?
  • You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine!

 


  In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.

Now, 84 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.

 

The Moral:  Screw work.  PLAY GOLF


JUNGLE GOLF

 

A man was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit him in his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."

That's why you never lie about your handicap  

  



 An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


 

The Origin of the Mulligan   The DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS quotes Milton Gross as reporting that it originated in family-type saloons where a free bottle called a Mulligan was always on the bar. Still another legend attributes it to a political hanger-on from Boston named Mulligan. This Mulligan worked for a popular politician and had the pleasant duty of handing out largesse. He gave hams and an occasional brisket of beef to the placard-carrying workers at the polling places, balls, bats and water buckets to local athletic teams, patronage jobs to loyal and hardworking supporters, and of course floral wreaths to departed voters.

On retiring, he moved progressively south, first to the Massachusetts Irish Riviera and then to the Cape Cod town of Pocasset where he joined a beautiful golf club of the same name. Apparently, old habits die hard, and he continued his giving way by tossing a ball to any of his partners who dumped their tee shots, accompanying the gesture with the words "Have a Mulligan".

Regardless of which version you prefer, the term "Mulligan" is as familiar as any in golf. It means a non-tallied or free shot that can be granted in a wide variety of ways as described here.


The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 9: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 10: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 11: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 12: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 13: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 14: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 15: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Golf is the only game where the worst player gets the best of it. He obtains more out of it as regards both exercise and enjoyment, for the good player gets worried over the slightest mistake, whereas the poor player makes too many mistakes to worry about them."  David Lloyd George

 


  Golfing Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*$@#ing putt, didn't you?" 


Famous Quotes

  • "The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - - it's almost a law."  - - H.G. Wells
  • "If you watch a game, it's fun.  If you play it, it's recreation.  If you work at it, it's golf."  - - Bob Hope
  • "Golf is a game whose purpose is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."  - - Winston Churchill
  • "The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course."  - - Billy Graham
  • "I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." - - Gerald R. Ford

This hacker approaches the 18th tee box, it's a par 3 island green surrounded by water. Well after his so far terrible day of golf,  He decides he had better use an old golf ball. He steps up to put the ball on the tee and hears a voice from above. The voice says, "USE A NEW BALL." So the guy proceeds to pull a new ball out of his bag and tee it up.

He hears the voice again. "TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So the guy takes a practice swing.

Then he hears the voice again "PUT THE OLD BALL BACK!"


 Four old duffers are standing in the pro shop discussing their games.

One old fellow said "I had 10 'riders' today. How many did you have?"

The response was that he had only 5 riders. The pro overhearing this conversation asked another old gentleman what they were talking about.

What the hey is a 'rider'?

"Well, a rider is when they hit the ball far enough that they have to get in their cart and ride up to the ball.


  There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are I just saw
a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $850,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $820,000.  OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap.    The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room Mark inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"


The Birds and the Tee's?

Phil spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son.  Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."


 

Some Tuesday Mulligans'  (We won't mention any names, you know who you are!!) are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every Wednesday morning. 
The first says "Every weekend I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". 
The second says "I clean the house for my wife". 
The third says "Every Wednesday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". 
The fourth guy looks at the other three and just shakes his head. "You guys got it all wrong.  On Wednesday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say golf course or intercourse?"


"If a golfer is injured and cannot play, is the golfer's replacement a designated driver?"

                                Readers Digest (July 2006)


"Golf is not a game of great shots. It's a game of the most misses. The people who win make the smallest mistakes. "
                               
Gene Littler (b. 1930)