Golf can best be
defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional
miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip ........ your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how
badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you
might wish to reconsider this game.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in
Scotland with his buddy, Ken.
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
THE GOLFER GUESSED THAT HIS BALL LANDED 20 FEET OFF THE FAIRWAY, BUT THAT WAS JUST A ROUGH ESTIMATE.
YOUR GOLF ADDICTION IS DRIVING A WEDGE BETWEEN US.
A GOLFER BOUGHT TWO PAIRS OF PANTS, JUST IN CASE HE GOT A HOLE IN ONE.
TWO FUR TRADERS ONCE TOOK A GOLFING TRIP TOGETHER. THEY PLAYED A SKINS MATCH.
ANY GOLFER WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH. THEIR NEXT SHOT ALWAYS DEPENDS ON THE LIE.
EVEN THOUGH HIS DRIVER AND WOODS HAD BEEN STOLEN, THE GOLFER CONTINUED TO PLAY 72 STRAIGHT HOLES FOR CHARITY. HE WAS TRULY AN IRONMAN.
GOLFERS HATE CAKE BECAUSE THEY MIGHT GET A SLICE.
HE PROMISED TO PLAY BETTER GOLF, BUT WOULD NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH.
WHEN PUTTING, I CAN NEVER CATCH A BREAK.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it
with the shadow.
THE USGA WOULD LIKE TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS:
There is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, this may occur sometime after November 4.
This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being written now. Here are a couple of basic changes.
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played
- for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
- between 11 and 18 no additional amount
- above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements
- handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
- handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.
This is intended to "redistribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.
A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION: 'IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR P-U-T-T? 'SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR. 'P-U-T-T IS CORRECT,' HE REPLIED. 'PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING.'
ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD.
THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.
I'VE HAD A GOOD DAY WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART.
RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T
MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.
I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE
RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, 'You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?'
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the
She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?
I've recently learned about a new book that gives valuable playing tips and insider information. It is not like any other golf books, as it gives tips that will immediately change your game. I know many of us would especially benefit from the 11th chapter
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.
The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources advises golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for Bears while playing on Pioneer Creek, Lakeview, Baker and Orono Golf Courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the Bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a Bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to "recognize the difference" between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them, and smell like pepper spray.
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Arthur. "I don't remember."
I visited my primary care physician for a checkup. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?" He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself." "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things. He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
Monte stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, Matt exclaimed, "What in the world is taking so long?" "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Monte explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." To which Matt replied, "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.
Now, 84 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: Screw work. PLAY GOLF
A man was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit him in his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."
That's why you never lie about your handicap
An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The Origin of the Mulligan
The DICTIONARY OF WORD AND PHRASE ORIGINS quotes Milton Gross as reporting that
it originated in family-type saloons where a free bottle called a Mulligan was
always on the bar. Still another legend attributes it to a political hanger-on
from Boston named Mulligan. This Mulligan worked for a popular politician and
had the pleasant duty of handing out largesse. He gave hams and an occasional
brisket of beef to the placard-carrying workers at the polling places, balls,
bats and water buckets to local athletic teams, patronage jobs to loyal and
hardworking supporters, and of course floral wreaths to departed voters.
The laws of golf
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does
not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend
over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Golf is the only game where the worst player gets the best of it. He obtains more out of it as regards both exercise and enjoyment, for the good player gets worried over the slightest mistake, whereas the poor player makes too many mistakes to worry about them." David Lloyd George
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*$@#ing putt, didn't you?"
This hacker approaches the 18th tee box, it's a par 3 island green surrounded by water. Well after his so far terrible day of golf, He decides he had better use an old golf ball. He steps up to put the ball on the tee and hears a voice from above. The voice says, "USE A NEW BALL." So the guy proceeds to pull a new ball out of his bag and tee it up.
He hears the voice again. "TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So the guy takes a practice swing.
Then he hears the voice again "PUT THE OLD BALL BACK!"
Four old duffers are standing in the pro shop discussing their games.
One old fellow said "I had 10 'riders' today. How many did you have?"
The response was that he had only 5 riders. The pro overhearing this conversation asked another old gentleman what they were talking about.
What the hey is a 'rider'?
"Well, a rider is when they hit the ball far enough that they have to get in their cart and ride up to the ball.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room Mark inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
The Birds and the Tee's?
Phil spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
Some Tuesday Mulligans' (We won't mention any names, you know who you
are!!) are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every
"If a golfer is injured and cannot play, is the golfer's replacement a designated driver?"
Readers Digest (July 2006)
"Golf is not a game of great shots. It's a game of the most misses. The people
who win make the smallest mistakes. "